"Chinatown"-Official media of Chinese Australians

It's the first time for my grandparents to live in Australia. Although my daughter Songzi met them when she was three months old, this is the first time she really knows her grandparents for the child. Before the old people came, I always used positive language to make Songzi full of hope for the arrival of grandparents. I think it will be good for them to get along well. Sure enough, Matsuko said that she couldn't wait to see what her grandparents were like.

Two days before the first meeting, the introverted Songzi accepted the strangers at a faster speed, and the next day they stuck to Grandpa.

However, the good times didn't last long. From the third day, the situation changed drastically. Pine nuts were even afraid of being alone with them. In the past, when I went to bed in the morning, Songzi always went downstairs and painted in the hall while I was washing. Now, she dared not go down, for fear of meeting her grandparents alone. The child looked very pitiful, and the grandparents were also a little sad, which is something we don't want to see.

In the end what happened?

It turned out that it was the expression of love by grandparents, the expression of love that is so accustomed to the eyes of Chinese adults, that just hurt my pine nuts. From this, I realized the huge difference in thinking between China and foreign countries, especially the way they treat children.

There are many details, I will just cite three small examples.

1. In order to express her love and closeness to the child, grandma likes to pinch her little face when she sees pine nuts. To Songzi, grandma is still a stranger, of course she refuses, so Songzi will hide everywhere, grandma is still reluctant, chasing the child to pinch. Before the children were familiar with them, they were vying to hold the pine nuts, completely unaware of how desperately the pine nuts struggled to resist. As a result, Songzi dare to stay with grandma only when my father and I are there.

Recall that in China, it is common for adults, especially the older generation, to touch other people’s children’s heads, even touch their cheeks, or even hold them forcibly without their children’s consent. But in Australia, this is a very unwise move. Those who understand will think that you like children, but you do not respect them enough. Extremes may even think that you are assaulting a child.

In fact, I don't think Western parents are making a fuss. I agree with their thinking stance, because they judge your behavior from the perspective of a child. Really think about it for the child, a strange adult who is two or three times bigger than you is sometimes tantamount to a very dangerous monster. Whether you object to this monster or not, will you be afraid if you forcibly touch your head, face or even your body? Would you hate it? Even when you are helplessly evading, the monster has to chase and use force to achieve its goal. Does this disrespect the child's human rights? Completely ignore the child's feelings?

2. Grandma really likes pine nuts so much, she said to pine nuts: "Grandma will take you back to China." I understand that her intention is to be reluctant to be separated from the child and express her affection. It's true, but it's also a funny child. But the problem is that the tone in which she said this sentence is a declarative affirmative sentence with a falling tone, rather than a question for soliciting opinions. Unexpectedly, the pine nuts, who seldom cried, cried immediately. The intense reaction of the pine nuts still did not attract grandma's attention. The next day, grandma accidentally made the same joke. This time, Songzi cried again. Moreover, since then, Songzi never dared to be alone with her grandma, for fear that her grandma would really take her away, and she was afraid to leave her mother and father. Matsuko even acted like she hated her grandma, and when her grandma gave her water to drink, she would turn her head and ignore her stunned.

I am also inexperienced and didn't realize the seriousness of the problem until the second time. Daddy Songzi and I have talked to my grandma. Tell her that in Australia, adults must respect children and treat children as real people with independent thinking, not kittens or dogs. Don't think that the child is young or ignorant, let alone joke about the child's simplicity and seriousness. Even seeing the child simply being fooled, but also making fun of him, find it funny.

From then on, grandma didn't dare to make this kind of joke again, and no longer touched the child casually. Slowly, Songzi's wariness faded. I took Songzi to hide and seek with my grandparents, and my grandma also found things she was interested in to break the ice, and asked her what she painted? Can I teach grandma how to draw? ...Until now, the pine nuts are completely integrated with them, and I can be considered relieved.

3. Songzi’s cousin is in China, just like Songzi, he is an introvert and shy child. From my grandma’s conversation with me, I heard many details. In my opinion, parents, kindergarten teachers, and other adults treat their children inappropriately. For example, I am embarrassed to say hello to the teacher. Teachers and parents would say: "This child is too introverted, shy and not talking, impolite." The cousin participated in the kindergarten dance performance. The introverted child was restrained and could not let go. Mom said: "You don't dance well, don't My children and adults look down on you.” This sentence reminds me of those parents who let their children study piano, exam grades, work and pay for their own sake.

It’s not wrong to pursue the same work salary in the examination of the piano, but the key question is what is the starting point for pursuing it? You must know that to live is to experience the joy and touch of life, not to show others. The truly successful people in society are an absolute minority. Is it necessary to put such a huge burden on children? What's more, people who seem to be successful by others do not necessarily have real happiness in their hearts. Rather than being a successful unhappy person, let the child be an ordinary happy person.

Compare the same introvert and shy pine nuts' treatment in Australia. Matsushita didn’t say hello to the teacher when she entered the kindergarten. At first, I felt embarrassed and said, "She is a shy child." As a result, the teacher took me aside and told me that I should not give it to the child like this. She puts a label. Children are easily affected by labels and think they are shy, so they should not say hello. The correct approach is: mothers can tell the teacher or everyone, "Songzi is not ready yet, and she will say hello when she feels comfortable." This kind of statement will solve the problem, and secondly it will imply that the child, she Need to say hello.

Matsushita dances with her teacher in the playgroup. Sometimes she refuses to dance well. I imperatively ask her to be obedient and dance well. The teacher's response was: "It's okay. Songzi doesn't want to jump now, right? Then wait until you want to jump."

Think about it, let alone kids, don't you also get lazy when you should have gotten up, or don't want to do anything because you haven't gotten a good night's sleep? Children are also individuals, and they have different feelings, sometimes when they are lazy, and sometimes when they are full of energy. Children are not machines, just like you.

It is said that details determine success or failure. In parenting, the same. The details made me feel the huge difference between Chinese and Western parenting thinking. One of the root causes of this difference, I am afraid, is whether adults really respect children as independent people. Whether to look at the problem from the perspective of the child.

In China, the three situations I mentioned above are quite common, so that we think it is normal, and we have never seriously thought that it might be inappropriate. It can be seen that most Chinese children are in a disadvantaged position.

I often lament that Chinese children are little emperors at home, but when they arrive in society, they feel like they have fallen into a trap of terror. Always be careful that prisoners take the children away and sell them as commodities; many kindergartens and schools still have physical punishment or even beat and scold the children; no one in the hospital treats children as fearful and poor little guys, children are just one I have seen many nurses and parents who need needles to force their sensible children on the bed for injections. What I want to emphasize is sensible children, not babies. Free play areas for children are rarely seen in parks; even in high-end shopping malls in big cities, it is difficult to find baby feeding rooms.

Even right now (I’m in the library), I suddenly heard a mandarin shouting: "Stand up! Hurry up! Have you heard? Stand up!" I turned my head to see, it was a Chinese grandmother or grandma. Pulling the young child, it was a toddler who had just staggered. Children may sit on the ground halfway through because they are playful or want to rest. When I came back and continued to write my posts, I couldn't help but want to say to the grandmother: Can you talk to the child in a different tone? Is it possible not to criticize him as a cat or puppy? Wouldn’t it be better if you say “The baby gets up quickly, the floor is dirty. Or, we have to hurry, the story time is about to begin.” Isn’t it better?

Let your child know why you ask her to stand up, so that he is willing to listen from the heart. This is to treat him as an independent way of communication. If the parent makes reason with the child for every action required by the child, and lets him understand the reason for asking him to do so, then the child will be a reasonable child. I think pine nuts do a good job at this point. Before her grandparents took her to the supermarket, she would tell her grandma: "I have a cold, so don't buy me sweet things to eat." She was able to think of this proactively because I refused her when she wanted to buy sweets It must have been telling her the truth. You can't say something like: "If I say no, it won't work!"

Of course, these truths are not ignorant to all Chinese adults. Many people I know, including Songzi's grandma, pay special attention to respecting children. Just as some people are born to be loved by children, and some people are born not to get along with children. Some people, by nature, pay great attention to respecting the feelings of others and are very considerate of others. Of course, when treating disadvantaged children, they are more likely to feel their children's weakness and helplessness.

Therefore, I am not criticizing all Chinese adults. It's just a common thinking habit, a big phenomenon. Some things that everyone knows are inappropriate in Western countries, but they are quite common in China. This in itself is a problem worthy of reflection and improvement.

Having said that, the target group should be adults in China, especially parents and teachers. The original intention is really good, and I really feel distressed and worried for the children who have been treated improperly. It is said that Westerners pay more attention to abide by public order, pay more attention to respect for others, and pay more attention to human rights. This is all related to the treatment and education they received when they were young. Imagine a child who has been violently coerced by adults since childhood. When he grows up and encounters problems, will he also think of violent coercion first? The violence mentioned here is not only physical force, but also spiritual. Including the tone of the adult talking to the child, is it because you are an adult that your child must listen to you? Your words must be unconditionally obeyed? ...

As a mother, I also reflect on myself from time to time. I always talk about the years of a full-time mother, for me, it is by no means boring doing nothing. I really feel that I am growing up with my children. Because of children, I have the opportunity to enter a whole new world of children. From health knowledge to infant psychology, and even the understanding of human nature, they are constantly learning.

I believe that everything is meaningful to do. As long as you do it with your heart, learn with your heart, experience with your heart, and enjoy with your heart, every minute can be fulfilled, even the minute you change your child's diaper. In this way, judging a person’s success is not just about career success, money gains, and status. To measure the meaning and value of life, there should be a broader horizon and perspective.

I like those who know how to get along with children, because the child’s heart is the purest, the child’s heart is the most delicate and sensitive, and the child’s eyes are the most tolerant of sand. A person who can quickly win the love and trust of children must be a loving ambassador who understands the emotional needs of others.

The netizen said:

Passerby:The main reason for the difference is the cultural difference. They educate their children in a way that is inherited from their parents. In the same way, we have inherited the way our parents educate their children. When I arrived in Australia, I saw how many local parents educate their children. Then reflect on how I educate my children before. Only now has some truth. It can only be used by grandchildren in the future. Treat children with equality, respect, encouragement, praise, and appreciation. In this way, in the future, the child's personality can be publicized, thinking, and creative. In addition, as our older generation, we must not protect our grandchildren when our children educate their children, and it is best not to express any opinions. Don't be an umbrella for your grandchildren's bad habits.

Passer-by:My personal view is that if you don't put pressure on yourself, and don't deliberately do what you want to do, it will be very awkward, and it will not be easy to stick to it, because it is not the real self.

Use more forums, get in touch with life, and look at this difference with a positive attitude. Appreciate the good side of Australia from your heart and gradually integrate it into your own life. You don’t have to blame yourself if you can’t do it temporarily. Smug complacent.

Passerby C:Can I say it seriously? I have come into contact with so many families of local Australians and have seen the life, education, relationship between parents and children of all kinds of Australians, large and small, including school education. I can be very responsible, speaking from my own perspective , I don’t approve of Australia’s complete Western-style education. Independence, respect, and kindness are not only your own children, but also your parents, your brothers and sisters, and your lover.

This article emphasizes that children come first, so what about grandparents? Respect is mutual, cultural conflicts are not the fault of grandparents, and integration is not unilateral.

Let us learn to respect all people, especially parents from China.

Article reprinted from Immigration Homeland Network

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