You may think that talking about marriage issues as business or mathematical reasoning is extremely tacky. I also admit that a relationship cannot be measured by money alone, and there are many people in life who do not get married and live comfortably (even with a higher quality of life).
This article just wants to tell you from a macro perspective, in the world of marriage and love in your twenties, what are the major trends that you can't see but are affecting you.


The leftover men and women who "migrate up to marriage

Sometimes, a problem that is not clear in a paper can be solved with a picture.

Everyone may have heard of "upgrade marriage", which means that in social customs, women always choose men one class higher than themselves as their marriage partners.

If one picture does not work, then another one. "Upward migration" has an inevitable result: leftover women and leftover men, and there are different formation mechanisms. Is the picture below intuitive enough? (The original picture comes from the Internet, the author is unknown)

"Leftover women" may appear in any class, because each class goes up one level, the number will drop sharply.

"Leftover men" are concentrated at the bottom of society, because no women can "move up" to this level.

The "social stratification" mentioned in the marriage migration is mainly based on income, including the classification of women, especially in first- and second-tier cities. Due to high housing prices, most families cannot rely on the income of the man alone to maintain this class. Life, so girls’ income has increasingly become the most important mate choice factor for boys.

Regardless of whether it’s the upswing marriage or the distribution of leftover males and females, it is in line with reality. It is a general trend that you can't see but is affecting you. Therefore, I will use this theory as a basis to verify several common "mate choice views" in reality .


Basic mate selection strategy:Girls should marry early, boys should struggle

The girl part of this strategy is actually very obvious. Since the supply-demand relationship of up-migration determines that there are "leftovers" in every layer, then the best strategy is "start first to be strong", so "leftover women" are not in bad conditions. , But because of various reasons missed the best mate selection period, resulting in fewer suitable marriage partners.

It is not difficult for boys to struggle. In the "upward migration", the best way to find a more ideal partner is to climb up-since every class has girls left, time is not a problem.

The later the time, as long as you work hard enough. The better the class position occupied, indirectly caused men’s reluctance to marry early.

Love in the 20s is like a game of "grabbing a chair". Everyone is enjoying the happy time of running around. Only a few people realize the cruelty of "fewer chairs than people" in this game. Gradually, most people find that there are fewer chairs, and hurriedly find a seat on their own. But until the age of 30, when the music stops, they always don't realize that the game is over, and still stand miserably.

Many girls say that they don’t force their “upgrades”, as long as they have similar interests in life, they don’t need to be rich, so they won’t be “left over”, right?

Sorry, it's useless, unless you can accept the "migration".

The so-called "life of like-minded people will do" is actually "horizontal marriage." But if other girls are pursuing "upward migration", then the supply and demand relationship will not change. Accepting "flat migration" will slightly expand the supply of married boys, but it will allow you to meet low-class competitors. You are a prestigious school Graduates are likely to be "love rivals" with the company's front desk.

However, there is a problem with the specific application of this strategy. The most typical one is the "risk of early marriage" for girls.


Modification of basic mate selection strategy

For girls, the "early marrying strategy" is also risky. The entire social class is mobile, especially for boys under the age of 25. The future income changes will vary greatly. It is likely that today you think it is "upward migration". After a few years, it became a "migration marriage".

There are two ways to solve the "risk of early marriage". The first is to find boys who are more "predictable".

What is "predictability"? Famous schools, famous companies, popular majors, civil servants, family background, social relations... etc. (Mother-in-law’s preference is justified).

If you do not have these "hard currencies", then boys usually show self-motivatedness, as long as they can show a "rising" trend, it is also in line with some girls' view of choosing a spouse.

After the girl’s strategy changes, boys should also adjust accordingly. For boys with “hard currency”, if they are not very motivated to pursue progress, they can also adopt the “early marriage strategy”; on the contrary, if they are aggressive, they can still use the “basic Strategy", not in a hurry to get married.

The second is to postpone the time of choosing a spouse slightly, and not later than the age of being "left behind", to reduce the risk of choice. The flaw is that it is very difficult to grasp this short two or three years of golden time to marry.

This is the main direction of "love mentors". These "good marriage theories" are ever-changing, and the core is two: how to identify "potential stocks" and how to package themselves into the "good marriage" of this group of people (such as programmers) Object".

Of course, there is a logical loophole in the theory of "leftover men and leftover women" caused by the "upward migration", that is, women who live at the top of the pyramid are destined to become leftover women?


Women at the top of the pyramid

In actual life, although the women at the top of the pyramid are not easy to find, they will not all become "leftover women." This is because women in this class will definitely choose "flat migration", or even choose "slight migration" with similar basic conditions.

But the problem is that girls who are "waist up" in the pyramid still tend to "move up", which causes the women at the top of the pyramid to still be at a disadvantage in the choice of marriage and love.

The number of men at the top of the pyramid is scarce, and it is easy to form a private circle. If a girl thinks that she has the strength to get to the top before the age of 25, the best strategy is to manage her own social relationships or enter a gold-rich industry.

In fact, the biggest marital problem faced by women in this class is not that they can’t get married, but the never-ending threat of a minor third.

The men at the top of the pyramid, because there is no financial pressure, their preferences will shift to factors such as appearance and age. Their choice is not limited to "matching each other", but all over the pyramid, and "jump marriage" is most likely to occur, as shown in the figure below:

Therefore, the women at the top of the pyramid are in fact competing with women from different levels of the pyramid. This is also the reason for the high incidence of "small three". This psychological humiliation is the biggest obstacle they face in their marriage and relationship.

Another concentrated distribution of "up-moving women left after marriage" is ordinary white-collar workers, which involves another phenomenon-"up-moving bottleneck."


Upward bottleneck

The pyramid in the original picture of "upward migration" is an isosceles triangle, but the actual stratum distribution is "iron nail-like". There is a critical point, and the number of stratums above this point decreases sharply.

Taking Shanghai as an example, the number of people with an annual salary of around 20 to 25 has dropped sharply.

This critical point is what I call the "upward migration bottleneck", just like the "dragon gate" where the carp jumps through the dragon gate.

Since the main way for China’s current class to open up the upward channel is university and employment, the "upward migration bottleneck" is actually in the first few years of the workplace. I believe most readers who read my article are (or will eventually be) in this Location nearby.

For girls, if they are just below the "upward migration bottleneck", the competition for upward migration will be greatly increased, forming a "leftover women concentration belt".

Faced with the "upward migration bottleneck", girls have two responses: if they have both "prestigious schools + famous enterprises" or other scarce resources, they can choose to rush through, but they may miss the best mate selection period; if they only have one of them, it is also You can seek stability and consider "flat marriage" as soon as possible.

For boys, if they work hard to break through the "upward migration bottleneck", they will be in a very advantageous position in the mate selection competition-the most difficult things to do are usually the most worthwhile. (╯‵□′)╯︵┻━┻


30 years old is not a new 20 years old

You may think that I talk about marriage issues as business or mathematical reasoning, which is very tacky. I also admit that a relationship cannot be measured by money alone, and there are many people in life who are not married and have a very comfortable life.

This article just wants to tell you from a macro perspective, in the world of marriage and love in your twenties, what are the major trends that you can't see but are affecting you.

There is a famous speech on TED, "30 is not a new 20". Meg Jay, a psychologist, thinks:

The real big opportunities in life happen around the age of 35. If you waste the great time in your twenties, you must complete the marriage, family, career, and childbearing events in the first five years of your XNUMXs. , Your life must be very embarrassing. This is to pay loan sharks to "enjoy youth" in your twenties.

The speaker said: "The best time to work on your marriage is before getting married, that is, being as intentional with love... People in their 20s are like a newcomer from Los Angeles International For a flight departing from the airport, a small change in the course of the flight will cause a different destination, just like the difference between Alaska and Fiji."

That's why I remembered the words of a marriage law expert: marriage is like democracy, not a good thing, but it is the best thing we can find so far.